


Full of Something, But It Ain't Love

by Dresupi



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Witcher (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Alternate Universe - Vampire, Alternate Universe - Witchcraft, Crack Crossover, Crack Treated Seriously, Crossover, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, F/M, Fade to Black, Ficlet Collection, One Shot Collection, Random & Short, Rescue, Shorts, Vampire Jaskier | Dandelion, Witch Curses, Witch Darcy Lewis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:13:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 2,808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23742097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dresupi/pseuds/Dresupi
Summary: A collection of Darcy/Jaskier short fics I've been prompted. Various ratings and subject matter.The first chapter is the table of contents.I will mark explicit shorts with an *
Relationships: Darcy Lewis/Jaskier | Dandelion
Comments: 42
Kudos: 50
Collections: Dresupi's Ficlet Collections





	1. Table of Contents

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ibelieveinturtles](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ibelieveinturtles/gifts), [scarletnerd05](https://archiveofourown.org/users/scarletnerd05/gifts), [piccalily0510](https://archiveofourown.org/users/piccalily0510/gifts).



  1. Table of Contents
  2. Royalty AU || for ibelieveinturtles
  3. I'm not a damsel in distress, I'm a damsel causing distress || for scarletnerd05
  4. Where did you get all those bruises? || for scarletnerd05
  5. Angelica/Snapdragon || for ibelieveinturtles
  6. Columbine || for Piccalily0510
  7. Fennel || for Dreadwolf
  8. I'm not sure why I can't hypnotize you || for scarletnerd05
  9. Maybe we can help each other, what do you ask for in return? || for ibelieveinturtles




	2. Royalty AU || for ibelieveinturtles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Other tags: Alternate Universe - Royalty

Darcy took a bite from the bread in her hand and turned her attention to the bard currently caterwauling at the other end of the inn. His voice wasn’t terrible, but his timing was. 

“Want me to shut him up, your Highness?” her companion whispered. 

Darcy smirked, shaking her head. Nellie was smaller than she, how she thought she could physically silence the bard was beyond her comprehension. “No, that won’t be necessary. And don’t call me that, I don’t want anyone knowing who I am.” 

Nellie wrinkled her nose in the direction of the bard. “Are you certain? I wouldn’t mind.” 

Darcy wouldn’t mind either, now that she was looking at him. This was supposed to be an adventure, wasn’t it? She wasn’t expected back at court for a few days yet. She could have some fun before she went back to a life of nothing. 

“No… in fact… beckon him over here…” Darcy wiped her hands and mouth on the edge of her cloak. “I’ve never spoken to a bard before.” 

“Of course you have, at court--” 

A sharp look from Darcy silenced Nellie, who instead slid from her chair and walked across the room, approaching the bard, who looked all too happy to come over and serenade Darcy. 

He’d no sooner opened his mouth than Darcy had slid a gold piece across the counter. “I will pay you twice as much if you cease your noise, bard.” 

He closed his mouth, miming the action of locking it with a key and throwing said key away before grabbing the gold piece and stuffing it into his purse. 

“What’s your name, bard?” Darcy asked. “I could use some titillating conversation.” He shrugged, smirking very smugly before she rolled her eyes. “You may speak. Just please. Don’t sing.” 

“If it pleases milady,” he replied. “I’m called Jaskier. May I ask your name?” 

“You may not,” Darcy replied. “Tell me. How long does it usually take you to procure a bed for yourself for the night?” 

He frowned as if unsure. “I’m not sure what you mean…” 

She raised her eyebrows. “I know of the reputation of bards. And you know _exactly_ what I mean. _Jaskier_.” 

His lips stretched into a warm smile. Warm and somewhat mischievous. “Do I?” 

Nellie looked fit to be tied, sputtering as if she couldn’t pick a word appropriate enough to stop Darcy from what she was doing. 

“I’ll tell you what…” Darcy rose to her feet. “Come with me to my room, and you can tell me everything you know, or better yet… show me. And tomorrow morning, if you feel so inclined, write a song about me under the condition that I’ll never have to hear you sing it.” 

He looked surprised, freezing in his chair for a long moment. “How can I write about you if I don’t know your name?” 

“How indeed. Perhaps we can figure that out as well.” She walked towards the stairs of the inn, knowing damn well he’d be following in a matter of seconds. 

She wasn’t disappointed. In _any_ respect. 


	3. I'm not a damsel in distress, I'm a damsel causing distress || for scarletnerd05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His face hurt. 

That was his first thought upon stumbling away from the woman he’d previously been attempting to save. 

Leave it to Geralt to send him over to save a woman who could not only throw a punch but land one as well. 

Her blue eyes were as wide as saucers she stared at Jaskier. “Don’t touch me,” she hissed. 

“I was sent here to _save_ you!” he exclaimed, his hand massaging his jaw. “Not to have my best asset bruised.” 

She narrowed her eyes. “I hit your face, it’s not as if I kicked your--” 

“Alright, alright,” he interrupted, holding his hand out both to silence her and perhaps calm her down and keep her from striking him again. “Lady Darcy? I presume?” 

She arched an eyebrow in response. “Who wishes to know?” 

“I was sent by Geralt of Rivia. To help you safely escape and meet him in the woods just outside the castle walls.” 

“I’m no damsel in distress,” she sneered. 

“Too right, you’re not. You’re causing it,” Jaskier muttered. 

“Why didn’t he come for me himself?” Darcy asked, deftly ignoring his last statement. 

“He thought I would be less conspicuous,” Jaskier replied, shrugging. “Although I doubt you’d have hurt him.” 

“Have I hurt you?” she asked. 

“Deeply, my lady. Now come.” 

“Only because I wish to. Not because you asked.” 

He should have been annoyed, but Jaskier found himself grinning behind her back all the same. 


	4. Where did all those bruises come from? || for scarletnerd05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Five Sentence Fiction
> 
> Crossovers & Fandom Fusions

“Where did all those bruises come from?”

Darcy winced, rubbing her hip subconsciously before realizing he was likely referring to the more visible bruises: the ones that didn’t bother her as much and were almost healed. It was the one on her hip that ailed her, the memory of the head-over-feet fall down a hill still sharp in her memory, sharp but not sour; she had fond memories of that particularly well-timed tumble.

“Oh, a bit of this and a bit of that,” she replied, smiling and nodding down towards the empty table in front of Jaskier. “Can I get you anything?”

His eyes narrowed for a long moment while he studied her face. “There’s more of a story there than you’re letting on. Care to share it? I’ve yet to write a song about a heroic barmaid.”

Darcy raised her eyebrows at him incredulously before rolling her eyes. “I’m not meant to become a heroine in a bard’s ballad. Now, are you eating or can I just ignore you?”

He smiled and leaned back in his chair, “Come now, Darcy. You couldn’t ignore me if you tried.”


	5. Angelica/Snapdragon || for ibelieveinturtles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _****_ ****
> 
> **_Flower Language Prompts_ **
> 
> **__**
> 
> Angelica - Finding someone's muse in another person; Snapdragon: my "friend" likes you
> 
> Other tags: Banter, Flirting

His fingers plucked the strings of the lute and his voice carried such a raw, dulcet tone as he sang. The words were very clearly meant for her, seeing as he didn’t remove his eyes from hers the entire time he sang.

It was filled with the same flowery language he usually used, but this time, he sang about eyes as blue as the sea and hills and valleys he longed to traverse. Every word felt as if it were hitting her low in the belly, and more than once, she had to shift to find a more comfortable position, hoping like hell that Geralt didn’t notice the fact that she’d suddenly grown very aroused at Jaskier’s words.

He was a Witcher, though. Of course he noticed.

She stared down at her hands on the table and didn’t make eye contact with him. He had the good sense not to mention it.

Once Jaskier finished, he’d made his rounds in the room, returning to the table with a smirk.

Like usual, Geralt wasn’t one for conversation, but he got up a few seconds after Jaskier sat down, mumbling something about the brothel nearby.

Jaskier plunked the coins he’d gathered one at a time into his purse and tied it tightly, dropping it down the front of his shirt before looking up at her, his eyes widening a bit.

“My lady?” he said, his voice so low she had to lean closer to hear him.

“For whom were you singing?” she asked.

“The patrons of course,” he said, smiling wryly.

She raised her eyebrows in disbelief.

“If you have to ask, you already know,” he replied instead, his gaze locking on hers.

“Hills and valleys?” she echoed back to him. “You make me sound as large as a village.”

He chuckled. “I couldn’t say what I really wanted to say. They’d toss me out of here on my ass and then how would we afford dinner?”

“How did you think to write it?” she asked, leaning closer still.

“I have a ‘friend’, my lady. He’s very fond of you.”

Laughing, she reached for his hand. “Tell your friend I’m fond of him too.”

“Right, will do… Geralt?” he called over his shoulder, even though his companion was gone. He cackled when she swatted him over and over again. He caught both her hands and leaned over to kiss her. It made her face flush hot to think of doing something like this in front of a crowd. But no one seemed to care.

“Of course, it’s me,” he murmured. “I just didn’t know if you’d have me.”

“I haven’t had you yet,” she reminded him. “But I have a room upstairs.”

He nodded and allowed her to stand and lead him to the stairs. Trailing behind to watch her form as she walked up the stairs.


	6. Columbine || for Piccalily0510

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _****_ ****
> 
> **_Flower Language Prompts_ **
> 
> **__**
> 
> Columbine - Distract me while I'm nervous
> 
> Other tags: Fandom Fusion, Rescue

Darcy pressed her lips together, wrapping her arms around her knees and staring down at the full plate of food in front of her.

The village was starving. That food could feed three men, and yet they were giving it to her. So they could spill her blood in the forest clearing and offer her to the gods of the forest. That they might bless their town. None of the virginal sacrifices had seemed to help matters on that front, but the elders didn’t become elders by free-thinking.

She sniffled and tears rand down her cheeks as she stared at the untouched food.

“My lady?”

A familiar voice.

She looked up to see the minstrel she’d met a few days before standing in the doorway to her hut. “Jaskier…” she whispered.

If she’d only taken him up on his offer, then she wouldn’t be the right kind of sacrifice. Of course, then another girl would have been offered up instead.

“What’s wrong?” he asked.

“I’ve been chosen,” she murmured, looking down att he plate of food on the table. Jaskier’s gaze went there and back up to her.

“No you haven’t,” he replied.

“I have.”

“You haven’t.”

“I have,” she said, laughing bitterly. “Unless you’re here to whisk me away to safety and put the elders out of power so no other girls are chosen…”

“I have a friend who will help. In the meantime, come.” He reached for her hand, tugging her up to her feet. “We’ll leave.”

“But I can’t—“

“And I can’t leave you here,” he replied. “So unless you wish to have them find us here together and draw their own conclusions…”

“Jaskier,” she said, sighing heavily. “You are impossible.”

“Good,” he replied. “If that means you’re coming with me.”

“Of course I am.”

“Geralt won’t be happy, but he owes me.”


	7. Fennel || for Dreadwolf

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _****_ ****
> 
> **_Flower Language Prompts_ **
> 
> **__**
> 
> Fennel - Flattery will get you everywhere
> 
> Other tags: Fade to Black

Lady Darcy knew it was wrong to invite the bard up to her chambers.

No matter how much she wanted him there on the pretense of serenading her privately. That’s all it was. A pretense. What she really wanted was him in her bed. He spoke so sweetly, and even if they were just words, she coveted that sort of affection from someone.

Jaskier said more nice things to her unbidden than her Lord Husband had purposefully in their entire marriage.

And her Lord Husband had many lovers. He’d given her permission to take one of her own.

So why shouldn’t she invite the bard into her bed?

When she arrived in her chambers, she stepped in through the door, her handmaid closely following behind.

Jaskier was already there when they arrived, strumming the strings on his lute as he reclined on some of the cushions by the window where she read. He was gazing up into the starry night and when he heard the door close behind her, he jumped to his feet, the lute still cradled in his arms. “My lady,” he began.

Darcy smiled as she looked at him. “You came.”

“Of course…” His voice squeaked a bit, but he cleared his throat before continuing. “I mean, of course I did. You bid me come. I came. I’m at your beck and call, my l—“

“Call me Darcy,” she said.

“I’m at your beck and call, Darcy.”

Her smile stretched further into a grin. Her cheeks dimpled as she turned to her handmaid. “You can leave us for the night, Louisa.”

The girl was only too quick to curtsey and make herself scarce.

After she’d gone, Darcy turned back to Jaskier. “I seem to have dismissed my handmaid,” she said as she drew closer to where he was standing. “Perhaps you could fill in for her?”

Jaskier grinned and set the lute down by his feet. “I’ve been known to… fill in for _others_ as well… handmaids… husbands… I’m very versatile. I have a great many skills.”

“To fill in for some of those, you wouldn’t have to do much at all,” Darcy said with a smirk and a tilt of her head. “Louisa’s a fine handmaid, however.”

He chewed on his lip for a long moment. “Is she?”

“Quite.”

“I have my work cut out for me, then… unlacing this gown.” He stepped forward and bid her turn around. His fingers were nimble as he plucked at the laces of her gown, loosening it until she could slip it up and over her head. “Darcy…”

“Hmm?”

“Are you quite certain you’d like for me to ruin you for your husband?” 

“You already have and you’ve barely touched me,” she replied.

He inhaled and dropped his head, lips finding her neck as his arm slipped around her waist. “Better do it properly then, shouldn’t I?”


	8. I'm not sure why I can't hypnotize you || for scarletnerd05

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _****_ ****
> 
> **_Halloween Prompts 2020_ **
> 
> **__**
> 
> Other tags: AU - Vampires, Vampire Jaskier | Dandelion

“Hmmm,” Jaskier narrowed his eyes and peered into Darcy’s. “That should have…” he trailed off and shook his head. “Nothing.”

“No… what should it have done?” Darcy asked.

“I usually… my listeners usually are giving me their rapt and unwavering attention by the end of that song.”

“Ah,” Darcy chuckled. “Won’t work on me, bard.”

“What won’t?”

“That hypnosis thingie you do to make your prey complacent.” She ended on a smirk and Jaskier squawked indignantly.

“Hey now, I don’t think of them as prey. I think of them as… partners.”

Darcy cackled. “Until you’re finished with them, and then you—“

“I’ll have you know I send them off with coin for a plate of chicken livers and no memory of ever—“

“ _Partnering_ with you?” she smirked again and he looked at once like he’d like to either bite her or kiss her.

Perhaps both.

He ran his tongue over his top lip and moved impossibly close. So close that any normal person would have moved away. But Darcy wasn’t budging.

“Would _you_ like to partner with me?” he asked.

“I’m no one’s ghoul,” she said, wrinkling her nose.

“Well, seeing as I can’t hypnotize you, you wouldn’t be an unwitting ghoul, now would you?”

“What would I get out of it?” Darcy asked, looking him up and down. He winked and she laughed aloud. “Are you really that good when you can’t hypnotize a girl into thinking you’re a god?”

“I take offense, my lady. I never lay with a woman who doesn’t want it and know exactly what she’s in for.”

Darcy eyed him again. “Fine. I’ll partner with you. On a trial basis. One rogue nip from those fangs you haven’t shown me yet and I’ll be but a distant memory.”

“I would expect no less.” Jaskier held out his hand and Darcy shook it.


	9. Maybe we can help each other, what do you ask for in return? || for ibelieveinturtles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _****_ ****
> 
> **_Halloween Prompts 2020_ **
> 
> **__**
> 
> Other tags: AU - Witchcraft, Witch Darcy Lewis, Fandom Fusion, Witch Curses

Jaskier took the herbs in his hand, glancing down at them and back up at the witch who’d given them to him.

“And these will… help my voice?” he asked. Croaked, rather.

She nodded, tilting her head to the side. “Once you consume them, my voice will wane for a few days, just until yours can rest and heal itself… so you know… this magic doesn’t come freely…”

“Maybe we can help each other,” he whispered. “What do you ask for in return?”

She smiled. “A song, perhaps?”

“A song?” he rasped, returning her expression. “Shall I sing of your generosity, your beauty, or your talent, darling?”

“Yes,” she replied, raising her eyebrows and making him chuckle.

“All three it is,” he replied. “Everyone will hear of Darcy the stunning, who gave up her voice for mine.”

“Only for a few days.”

“I’ll take some liberties,’ he assured her. “I’ll make you sound really good instead of, you know… only somewhat kind.”

She swatted his shoulder. “I’m giving up speaking for you, bard.”

“Then, allow me to do more than give you a song, Darcy.”

She met his gaze and sighed, smiling the entire time. “Fine. Give me anything you think is fair.”

“I might have to stay for a few days to do all that.”

“So be it.”

**Author's Note:**

> Prompts are open, prompt me [here.](https://forms.gle/ejZPceyAAj29SWtK8)


End file.
